There is something that I've been dealing with for a while now that only recently started to become clear. For a large portion of my life, I felt as though I didn't quite fit in. My perceived self-image was not at all like what I thought was normal for a woman of my age. I've never felt very feminine, either in the way I looked at myself in the mirror or the way I thought about a lot of things. Romantic interactions were a nightmare. I felt awkward at best, depressed at worst because I felt as though there was something wrong with me.

When I would force myself to try harder, I was only met with disappointment. I often found myself hating the parts of myself that men found physically appealing. I began to bind my chest for other reasons than costumes. I cut my long hair. I often found myself saying, "I wish I had been born a boy." I liked to write stories from the perspective of a male, to put myself in my protagonist's shoes and live vicariously through him. I began to refer to myself as male when I played online games. It was easier than explaining I was just a gender confused woman playing male characters.

It wasn't until a short time ago that it really clicked that other people had felt the way I felt, and that there was a phrase they used for it. Gender dysphoria is, by and large, considered a mental illness. But there are ways to cope, and for me, I only feel better when I allow my male persona to emerge. It isn't a 'cure' per se. But it helps. If I go all the way through the steps to physically and legally become a man, I realize it will be a long journey, and not an easy one. I am prepared for people to not understand. I just want to be honest, because I feel like I've been cowardly, keeping something so big from a lot of people I care about.

The people that already know have had mixed reactions, but I felt it was time to come out when I realized my mom hasn't disowned me, and my boss hasn't fired me, and my friends haven't abandoned me. And especially because I am seeing someone, and he thinks of me as his boyfriend. Not girlfriend. Boyfriend. And that is something that makes me feel so RIGHT, so at peace with myself. I am very happy with the choices I've made.

I will be moving within the next couple of months, out of state. A fresh start, in more ways than one. I will be changing my name here to the male name I have chosen for myself, but don't panic. It's just me. I'm still me, and always will be... just think of it as getting a newer, upgraded version.